Pisces
You will receive four full requests on your manuscript. Three agents will send you a form rejection within
48 hours. You will never hear back from
the fourth, in spite of working up your nerve and nudging them once every three
months for an entire year.
Aires
Put down the drink.
It won’t help the chapter arc like you think it will.
Taurus
Your critique group actually is stealing your brilliant
ideas. You are not paranoid; you are
accurate.
Gemini
Landing an agent?
ahahahahahahahaha
Cancer
Feh.
Leo
You sent queries cc'd en masse bearing the salutation “Dear Agent Homeslice.” Did you actually expect a
response? You won’t get one.
Virgo
Memoir is not hot right now.
Sorry.
Libra
No one cares about vampires anymore. Or dystopia. Or zombies. Or words. Sorry.
Scorpio
You will receive kind, praise-filled rejections. Your writer friends will tell you this is
amazing, that this is progress even if you don’t think it is. These same writer friends will land multi-book,
six figure deals within the next two weeks.
Sagittarius
Do you remember that girl from Calc? The one you teased because she chewed on her
hair? No? Well, she remembers you. She now works at your dream agency. Good luck with that.
Capricorn
The market is flooded with Capricorns right now. Have you considered a major retooling of your
day of birth?
Aquarius
You landed a book deal with a small but reputable
press. Your book comes out this
month. Oddly, three other books with
similar plots and characters, all by renowned authors with bigger houses, are
released the week before yours. Your novel’s
pages are not absorbent enough for your bitter tears.
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